Drunken Speculation

I’ll Have What She’s Having

r-NORAEPHRONWHENHARRY-large570The editor promised this DS would be about puppies. Bad news folks, the editor didn’t write this. I can, however, promise that this article will be a ton less depressing than last week’s DS (unless of course you’re a baby boomer; then go die in a hole).

After recently having drinks with my roomie of about five years (we’re practically in a de-facto relationship) we got to talking about orgasms, specifically those of the female variety. The big question: Why do women have orgasms?

If you think about it, in terms of actual usefulness, they’re about as useless as tits on a bull, or, if you prefer, nipples on men. I can hear the feminazis raging out as I type. When a man has an orgasm it has an obvious purpose. Women though, aside from perhaps providing increased lubrication and thus comfort, have no obvious evolutionary explanation for theirs.

As it turns out, my roomie was pretty well-versed on a couple of the possible theories for why this phenomenon occurs. One of the suggested theories is that when a woman orgasms, their brain releases oxytocin which increases the feeling of being bonded to their partner which ultimately [read: allegedly] increases the chances that the woman’s genes will continue to be propagated in the future because of the benefits derived by the child from the ‘bonding’ of the parents. Whoa, that was a mouthful!

A few problems with this one. The theory supposes that a child undoubtedly benefits from the bonding of the parents because the child’s future will supposedly be better provided for. I certainly know of enough delinquent fathers and enough capable single mothers to disprove this. Also, I’m pretty confident that (huge generalisation aside) children with absent, i.e. ‘non-bonded’, fathers are more likely to propagate their inherited genes, and on more occasions. However, this is probably more to do with other unrelated socioeconomic factors. We’ll discuss the breeding habits of the bogan in a future Drunken Speculation. Moving on…

If this first theory wasn’t wild enough for you, perhaps you’ve heard of the “upsuck theory“. It sounds fairly self-explanatory, but just in case: it suggests that when a woman has an orgasm her uterus effectively sucks up the sperm. Whhaaat?! Was that the sound of a mazillion penises trying to self-retract back into the body? Ha, chill. It’s actually pretty amazing any of the little buggers survive sometimes. It’s like space invaders up there. In more scientific terms, the environment in a woman’s vagina and/or cervix can at times be fairly inhospitable to semen.

In any event I’m not convinced with this theory either. Numerous studies have been done on the percentages of women able/unable to achieve orgasm and the majority suggest that around 15% of women never climax under any circumstances and that roughly only 25% of women are able to achieve an orgasm from intercourse alone. So lads, the chances you’re getting her there during intercourse and her sucking up your sperm: not exactly high.

My personal favourite is the theory that a female’s orgasm serves as a mate selection tool in that if she is able to achieve an orgasm with a particular partner she is more likely to continue having sex with them. I’d say (based on the above statistics), ladies, if you hold your sexual contentedness in any kind of esteem and you’re achieving climax with a guy, latch on because he’s gotta be a keeper right?!

Anyway, there can be no argument ladies, if you’re achieving climax it’s pretty damn special; in the majority of other animal species there’s no evidence to suggest female orgasms even occur. If you’re getting there with a guy, even more so! And, on a side note, if you are faking it, please don’t do it like the porn stars do it. I’ve lived in enough sharehouses to know that there are plenty of women out there whose moaning, groaning and ‘Oh baby’s point to such a conclusion.

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