Drunken Speculation

#18 Golden Gun Smoked Ale

gold-desert-eagle-gun1I think I may have been the subject of one of the world’s most elaborate pranks for April Fool’s Day.

It was a Sunday session on Easter Monday that would, later, get out of hand. The Archive was the venue and the $15 BLT with a pot special appealed to me. I didn’t read the menu properly and found that it came paired with a beer, likely one the bar had had trouble moving.

When I noted that it was a smoked ale, I was immediately disappointed. Last time we tried smoked beers was exceedingly unpleasant, although our recent foray with the Pinchgut Blk Plz was somewhat redeeming for the genre.

The pot was a draught, so I’ve tried to track down the brewer for some details on this particular beverage. The Archive website lists it as a “Smoking Joe Golden Gun”, which is not quite what was on the menu. There is a Smokin Joe Saloon in Pittsburgh, which has a pretty substantial range but doesn’t seem to brew it’s own beers, nor does it list the Golden Gun as amongst it’s draught offerings.

A search of Untappd (to which I just signed the blog up and you should add us as your friend) would suggest it’s actually King Brown Brewing’s Smokey Joe’s Golden Gun. These guys only have a Facebook page and no website that I could easily find (on the first page of Google).

Quite the mystery. It’s almost as if someone didn’t want to take responsibility for it.

Being a phantom beer, there are no tasting notes but here’s the three things you need to know about the Golden Gun:

  1. It has the colour of Dettol
  2. It has the aroma of bandaids
  3. It tastes antiseptic

If the aim was to produce a world-leading anti-bacterial cleaning product, mission accomplished I say.

If the aim was to produce a palatable ale with a hint of smokiness, then you, sir, are a mighty fucking moron and I should punch you in the dick.

This is truly disgusting. I’m not even sure if it was an actual beer and it is certainly not worthy of the title. Really, it seems more likely that the Archive decided to play a practical joke on one of it’s most loyal patrons. The only other explanation I can think of is that the beer was improperly stored or otherwise compromised because no one in their right mind would serve this and expect payment in anything other than the currency of violence.

If the person responsible is reading this, please, come and explain why, why, why the Golden Gun Smoked Ale exists.


  • ???
  • Genre: Dark ale
  • Regionality: Probably Australia?
  • Strength: 8% accoding to Untappd
  • Rating: 0 / 3 taste + 0 / 2 ancillaries = 0 / 5
  • Plus: I can say I’ve drunk drain cleaner.
  • Minus: The bit where I drank the beer.
%d bloggers like this: